Conan vs Colbert vs Stewart on Huckabee

The writers' strike has produced some amazing time-wasters in light-night television. Among the best -- the multi-episode, multi-show "tiff" between Conan O'Brien, Stephen Colbert, and Jon Stewart on who made Huckabee. Here's the series of videos for the whole thing:

Stephen Colbert, 1/16:


Conan, 1/17:



Colbert, 1/29:


Conan, 2/1:


Stewart, 2/4:



Colbert, 2/4:



Conan, 2/4


Stewart, 2/5:

Sarah Beth's awesome birthday card

Sarah Beth has created this very awesome birthday card for me... I have no idea where she got the pictures, because they're definitely not my pictures.

classic woody allen interview

Interviewer: "What is Bananas about, Woody?"

Woody: "The film is about the lack of substance in my movie."

Interviewer: "You mean in America?"

Woody: "No, there's lots of substance in America, The theme is that the film is empty. The lack of substance puts you to sleep. It's an hour and a half nap."

Interviewer: "Why have you made it then?"

Woody: "To confuse my enemies who, are legion."

Interviewer: "And what do they want?"

Woody: "To make me think like them."

Interviewer: "Which is what, exactly?"

Woody: "Numerically."

Interviewer: "And you think?"

Woody: "In letters, usually."

super dorky profile

[this post has been officially censored by yang]

do I cry wolf?

A conversation today with yang:

[08:36:35PM] sorta lame: i thought you had a paper fool

[11:10:46PM] TheGrape30: 0 pages

[11:10:56PM] sorta lame: hahaaha
[11:10:59PM] sorta lame: yeah right
[11:11:01PM] sorta lame: you liar
[11:11:06PM] sorta lame: why do you lie so much
[11:11:08PM] sorta lame: straight to my face

[11:11:10PM] TheGrape30: it's true!
[11:11:12PM] * TheGrape30 sobs
[11:11:15PM] TheGrape30: I have nothing to show
[11:11:17PM] TheGrape30: NOTHING

[11:11:17PM] sorta lame: stfu

[11:11:27PM] TheGrape30: I'm so sad

[11:11:27PM] sorta lame: this is how it usually goes:
[11:17:18PM] sorta lame:
you: i have nothing!! oh, cruel life!!!
me: really??
you: it's true! ... well, actually, i managed to write 10 pages more than their suggested length, so i guess it's not that bad.
me: ugh...
you: but they're such crappy pages!
me: really? why are they crappy?
you: cuz they're crappy!
me: oh... [some more pity]
you: mm...well i guess my writing is actually not crappy at all. in fact, it's probably pretty brilliant.
me: UGH
you: but i chose such an ugly font! they'll definitely fail me now!
me: [cocks a gun]

[11:17:53PM] sorta lame: i know your pattern, you sumvabitch
[11:18:08PM] sorta lame: i'm not falling in your trap this time!!!

I decided to forward this to Mike. His response:

[11:34:37PM] mikeyu120: THAT IS SO TRUE!!!
[11:34:46PM] mikeyu120: *SO* true
[11:35:11PM] mikeyu120: haha

[11:36:05PM] TheGrape30: no it's not!!

[11:37:54PM] mikeyu120: yes it is!

[11:38:09PM] TheGrape30: it's much truer of you

[11:38:12PM] mikeyu120: but yang didn't quite finish

[11:38:19PM] TheGrape30: I am completely honest about my incompetence

[11:39:07PM] mikeyu120: you: but i chose such an ugly font! they'll definitely fail me now!
me: [cocks a gun]

you: I got a 900%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and my professor invited me to her house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[11:39:47PM] TheGrape30: hahaha
[11:39:51PM] TheGrape30: completely untrue!

[11:44:00PM] mikeyu120: did i tell you that the teacher played my piano "song" for the class on friday?
[11:44:04PM] mikeyu120: he played like 3-4 others too
[11:44:09PM] mikeyu120: mine was so embarassing

[11:44:31PM] TheGrape30: please
[11:44:36PM] TheGrape30: yours embarrassed everyone else
[11:44:44PM] TheGrape30: I played your song this weekend to cheer me up
[11:44:49PM] TheGrape30: reminds me of amadeus

[11:44:54PM] mikeyu120: lol

[11:45:20PM] TheGrape30: but then it really just depressed me for my complete lack of talent

[11:45:39PM] mikeyu120: you: i'm so depressed.... i got only an 800% last test. and my research isn't going so well... i might have lost my chance for a turing award this year... better play this song to remind me how dumb others are

[11:45:56PM] TheGrape30: hahaha
[11:46:08PM] TheGrape30: dude you guys have such a skewed view of how I think!

[11:46:14PM] mikeyu120: you: hahahahah... man that composer sucks... must've been on drugs... and the best part, he wasn't on drugs! he just sucks!

[11:46:22PM] TheGrape30: haha

[11:46:40PM] mikeyu120: well if all your friends think this way...
[11:47:03PM] mikeyu120: maybe it's not your friends who are skewed...

[11:47:13PM] TheGrape30: it's my enemies!

best conversations happen in the bathroom

Don't you love it when you run into your research professor in the bathroom, and he starts talking to you as he pees? These situations always make me nervous as hell. Here's a transcript:

He: so are you graduating?
I: Yeah, yeah
He: so what will you be up to?
I: uh, after graduation or now?
He: no, after you graduate
I: well, I'll be working at google for a year... You know, to learn some "real" stuff.

At this point, I realized that I just called everything he worked for "fake", and started panicking. With my razor sharp reflexes, I followed,

I: that is, but, then, after a year, I'll be back in grad school, where I'll be doing the real real stuff.
He: yeah, well, you might learn a thing or two at google.
I: Two. I'm guessing two.

Sigh.

living in sf

In preparation for my move to sf while working at google, I asked a friend familiar with the area. Google will be picking up people at Monster Park, Civic Center or Glenn Park, and here's what he thought of each, replicated because it was so helpful in making my decision:

well, you asked the right guy.

Each neigbhorhood has its own distinct character and advantages. Civic Center has the best hookers but I think you'll find the best late night crack markets closer to Monster Park, or what we San Franciscans still call Candlestick.

With respect to Candlestick, you may hear an occasional "why is a nice Chinese boy like you mainlining Black Tar?" but generally you'll find people delightfully unprejudiced and happy to take your money. For variety you might want to try the crack houses in the Tenderloin; they offer free needle exchange! Ahh, the beauty of the free market. Praise be to George.

About Civic Center, I think you'll find that your Civic Center hooker compares favorably with her San Pablo sister; at least such has been the case in my experience. But if you want a uniquely San Francisco adventure, I recommend scoring some quality rock in the TL, picking up a fresh-off-the-bus Polk-street-special before heading to Monster Park for your own tailgate party. Remember to tip your date!

Now Glen Park I can only report is where nice people live with nice cafes, a bakery and the J-line/BART. It is right off of 280, has good weather, a park, etc. As if you care about that sort of stuff. And just try find a good crack house when you're jonesing. Please!

Hope this helps.

Crack whores here I come!

and the reason why I'm not a Math minor...

Here's what my friend's math professor said to the class after a particularly difficult midterm:

I know I'm harsh and expect a lot. I know you have 3 other classes. But I had 6 other classes when I was your age. If I didn't succeed, I wouldn't get my scholarship, and my family starves. So I worked hard to feed my family.

And he wasn't joking.

more disturbingtance

Him: you know those bratty kids who make farting noises with their armpits?
Him: they're all cheapass posers
Him: i always remind them of that when i walk by elementary schools
Him: i can kick so much ass when i'm in there
Him: damn

Me: don't lie
Me: you know they make you cry
Me: so hard

Him: that was partially true
Him: they make me so hard

Me: ...

cute

I: Did you know, E190 kills babies
He: what's the hardest part about running through a field of dead babies
I: umm
I: what
He: hiding your erection

we'll be rich in no time

Brilliant business proposition from my friend:

Him: i thought of an idea
Him: that will make me a hojillionaire
Him: i'm gonna write a blog commenter
Him: it will scour the web and leave comments on people's blogs
Me: how does that make you have a lot of hos?
Him: silence
Him: you haven't even heard the key part yet
Him: these comments will be along the lines of "you suck"
Him: but in many more words
Him: they will be so numerous that blog authors would have no hope of deleting them all
Him: naturally, some ppl will not want such comments left on their blogs
Him: to exempt themselves, they'll hafta pay me "protection money"
Me: hahaha
Me: IT'S BRILLIANT!

Bad jokes

My Godsister told me a particularly lame joke the other day:

Two bananas are walking outside. It's a really hot day, so the first banana took off his clothes. The second banana fell.

So I countered with a better version:

Two tomatoes are walking outside. It's a really hot day, so the first tomato took off his clothes. The second tomato raped him in the ass.

Mine is funnier.

that is me

My roommate up here at Microsoft ate dinner with me and two other interns last night. He, to whom I've done no wrong, proceeded to conjecture, "Don't you think Chung is completely asexual? I can't see him in any sort of sexual context. He's so businesslike."

Well, at least now, men also think I'm asexual.

more things I cannot argue with

Him: summer is halfway over
Him: it's already the beginning of the end

Me: it's always the beginning of the end

Him: no
Him: it can be the start of a new beginning

Me: but it will be the beginning of the end still
Me: even if you're starting it

Him: if you imagine summer as a bell shaped curve
Him: where x-axis is time
Him: and where y is the "ride" of summer
Him: then only after the peak in the middle does the end begin
Him: moreover,
Him: the curve can also be skewed so that it does not actually peak until further down the x-axis
Him: therefore, you are incorrect
Him: Q.E.D.
Him: as a corollary to this treatise i posit you to find one individual who would say that it is indeed the beginning of the end at the first day of the summer

even with context...

Me: What's in that Amazon box?
Him: Oh, condoms.
Me: Really. I didn't realize Amazon sells condoms.
Him: Yeah; you have to look under the Used section.

long live Lewis Black

Lewis Black is hilarious. Some tibits I just saw:

"MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken"

While watching last year's Superbowl halftime, "So there were N'Sync, Aerosmith and Britney Spears, all on the screen at once. Fortunately, I had a spoon in my hand, and I shoved it up my ass. Why, you might ask. To distract me from the pain. If I'm going to hurt that much, I'm going to do it to myself. Oprah calls that empowerment."

Awesome :-)

A friend envisions a future where cars can read your mind, know where you want to go, and take you there. I think it'd be just too embarrassing when my car keeps stopping in front of the strip club.

The Secret To My Happiness

Sometimes, people ask me, "Didn't you get my restraining order against you?" Other times, they ask, "Why are you always so happy, your blogs so free of cynicism?"

Am I showered with riches, goodwill and women? Is Canada a country? Of course not. But I have my methods; and because I'm so giving, I'm going to share my secrets with you unfortunate, pessimistic souls. Here's my simple, fool-proof, five-step program to waking up with a smile on your face every morning.

Step 1: When you wake up in the morning, think to yourself, "I am at ease. My toes are in harmony. I feel the rhythm of life. That loud noise is not a bulldozer tearing down my house." Then, run out the door and stop the bulldozer before your house collapses on you. Repeat for two weeks.

Step 2: When you wake up, think to yourself, "I am one with myself. I am at peace. My breathing is calm and my heart still. These are really cute termites." Then, get out of the house before it collapses, and borrow your neighbor's phone to call the exterminator. Your neighbor will ask for a convenience fee; this will either be ten dollars, your stamp collection or that mole on your face. Pay it; it's worth it. Repeat for two weeks.

Step 3: When you wake up, say to yourself, "I am at a beautiful place. I am surrounded by beautiful things. I am comforted by a warm breeze. I can see brilliant lights shining before me." Then, reach for the phone and call the fire department. Oh yeah, and get out of the house before it collapses. Repeat for two weeks.

Step 4: When you wake up in the morning, if you are still not smiling at this point, then massage your face gently. If that fails, lightly tap your face to loosen your facial muscles. If you still have a frown, start slapping yourself hard, and keep doing so until you start smiling or pass out from pain. Should you succeed, get out of the house before it collapses. This should be common sense by now. Repeat until you wake up smiling.

Step 5: At this point, you should already be properly conditioned to smile every morning. You should also be living in a cardboard box, whose collapse will only cause a small annoyance and not certain death. Congratulations! You are on your way to being a fitter, healthier, and happier being.

Do not doubt me; my program is proven to work. Thousands of people, after following this program to the letter, have gone from hating their lives to hating me. Try it, and next time you see me, don't forget to thank me with a smile!

so once and for all...

Sometimes, people ask me, "What are you doing naked on my lawn?". Other times, they also ask, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?". The two questions are not related.

Those who ask the latter question often helpfully offer some explanations for my bachelor status. These explanations are usually of these two kinds:

1. I'm gay.
2. I'm a homosexual.

Well, I'm happy to report that, indeed, I am not gay nor a homosexual, thanks to Billy's Shock Therapy Booth. From now on, please come up with fresher, more intelligent explanations, like "I'm too busy", "No girl will ever measure up to my mother", or "Girls have cooties". Thank you.

of God and churches

Believe it or not, God existed before Christianity was invented as a get-rich-quick scheme. Apparently, church goers are expected to donate some ten percent of their income along with their first born sons (daughters they're free to keep, though most do not). This can be a rather lucrative venture, especially since many Christians are blessed with the ability to turn trash into cash (like the talent hunt responsible for Britney Spears).

I've heard some people talk about setting up a church, hiring a minister and simply living off the donation, of which, I'm assured, there will be plenty. But just think: what would God think of them? And more important, will they provide free parking on weekdays? I asked God these difficult questions, and He told me to bet on black 29.