patrons

wrote this silliness in an hour on the flight to Taiwan... In the manner of Socrates (maybe) etc. Yuck.

Man: Look at this glass of water. Are you looking at this glass of water?

Woman: Yes, yes. It's a glass of water.

Man: Precisely. Now imagine, for a bit. Just for a while, stay with me here.

Woman: I'm with you.

Man: Pay attention now.

Woman: I'm paying attention!

Man: Imagine that everything, everything is contained in this cup of water. This house. That tree. Three branches of our government. Mount Everest. The sun. The moon. You, me. The universe. Everything.

Woman: Everything.

Man: What did I say?

Woman: Everything.

Man: That's right, everything.

Woman: In that glass of water.

Man: That's right. So then, suppose I turn this glass of water upside down. What do you suppose will happen?

Woman: The water will pour onto the kitchen floor.

Man: Will it? But...

Woman: Don't do it!

Man: I won't do it.

Woman: I just cleaned the kitchen floor.

Man: It's just water, what do you care.

Woman: Don't do it.

Man: I won't do it.

Woman: I'm warning you.

Man: I said I won't do it.

Woman: Okay then.

Man: Well, as we were, suppose I pour this water onto the kitchen floor.

Woman: Don't do it!

Man: I won't do it!

Woman: You always say you won't, but you do, you will.

Man: No I don't. I won't!

Woman: It's hard to believe you. You have a... a history.

Man: We all have history.

Woman: But it's yours I'm talking about.

Man: What's so special about my history?

Woman: You have one... Not a particularly good one. A history of going back on your words, of not doing what you promised.

Man: Please list your examples clearly and succinctly.

Woman: Last night you said you'd be back at 10, but you weren't back till midnight.

Man: I couldn't.

Woman: You said you would.

Man: But I couldn't.

Woman: Then why did you say you would?

Man: When I said I would I didn't know I couldn't.

Woman: Then why say it if you didn't know if you wouldn't know you couldn't?

Man: Uh, what?

Woman: I'm just saying, don't lie to me. Don't say anything you don't know is true.

Man: Okay okay. I won't promise anything anymore.

Woman: Nothing?

Man: Not anything. I promise.

Woman: [content] Okay.

Man: Great! Now where were we?

Woman: You were promising not to pour the water onto the kitchen floor.

Man: Ah yes, and I won't. Why would I, in any case?

Woman: Who knows why you do anything. Sometimes you really puzzle me.

Man: Well there are many reasons why I would, in fact. It's fun. It's fun to see water flow, to see it crash against the hardwood floor, to see it splash. It's dramatic. It'd make quite a show, quite a show! Much more of a show than what we have now.

Woman: But you won't do it.

Man: [signaling audience] I'm sure these good folks would appreciate a good show.

Woman: But you won't give it to them.

Man: Indeed I won't.

Woman: Because you promised.

Man: That's right, I promised.

Woman: Well, good.

Man: Funny thing, this glass of water.

Woman: Why's that?

Man: So oblivious to its own fate. Does it have any idea that it is being suspended five feet off the ground, by me and my will alone, and that with a flick of my wrist it could lose everything it had?

Woman: It doesn't have anything. It's water.

Man: Yes, yes I know it's water. But suppose it's something else. Suppose it's not just water, that it's everything. Your dog, my cat, everything in the universe. Then what?

Woman: Then the universe shatters into a million pieces as it hits our kitchen floor.

Man: Yes, well, but... But there is no kitchen floor. The kitchen floor is in the water too.

Woman: Ah, ah, I see. And the glass container as well?

Man: The glass container holding the water is also part of the universe, and as such, is in the water.

Woman: Then as it falls... but gravity, and earth, all are in the water already.

Man: That's right.

Woman: As are you, the person flipping the glass.

Man: Correct.

Woman: Then who will flip the glass?

Man: Ah, ah. Do you see?

Woman: No.

Man: It doesn't really make sense, does it?

Woman: Not really.

Man: The problem setup really defeats itself.

Woman: Yeah... So... What's your point?

Man: No point, no point. It just makes for a good show. [pours glass of water onto the floor. Blackout.]

The Bookers

Not very happy with it yet, but here it is.

for Melanie, who demands that this be posted.

(A COFFEE SHOP. A WOMAN SITS AT A TABLE, STUDYING. A MAN ENTERS, AND APPROACHES THE TABLE.)

Man: Hi there.

Woman (not paying attention): Hey.

Man: Would you mind if I sit with you?

Woman: Are they out of tables again?

Man: No -- yes. Yes.

Woman: Well, okay.

(THE WOMAN REMOVES HER BOOKS FROM THE OPPOSITE CHAIR, AND THE MAN SITS. THE MAN OCCASIONALLY LOOKS UP AT THE WOMAN NERVOUSLY, AND LOOKS DOWN AGAIN WHEN THE WOMAN NOTICES. AFTER A WHILE, DETERMINED, THE MAN LOOKS UP AGAIN, READY TO SPEAK)

Man: Hey, so...

(THEY FREEZE SUDDENLY)

Announcer's Voice: "The Wise Pages of the Bookers", Chapter 3, Section 5. Unnecessary interruptions of social intent during the course of studies result in an inevitable decline into decadence.

(THEY UNFREEZE)

Woman: Mmm?

Man: What are you studying?

Woman: Stats. You?

Man: English. You look a little tired.

Woman: I am. A little.

Man: Take a break, then. It always helps to take a break.

Woman: I've been on breaks.

Man: Take another one.

Woman: Are you taking a break?

Man: I'm always taking breaks.

Woman: But you only just sat down.

Man: Sitting down is hard work.

Woman: Well, you don't have a midterm on sitting down tomorrow.

Man: No, but I do have midterms on other things.

Woman: Then why aren't you studying?

Man: I'm taking a break!

Woman: Well I don't have time for breaks.

Man: Take time. You never have time unless you reach out and take it.

Woman: I'm all out of time.

Man: Take my time! I'll give you some time.

Woman: That doesn't help; it takes my time to use your time.

Man: Well, that's the best I can do.

Woman: That's not good enough.

Man: What would be good enough?

Woman: Not taking a break.

Man: But I'm already on break.

Woman: I'm not on break.

Man: You've been on break all this time.

Woman: Because you've been wasting my time.

Man: So you might as well take a proper break.

Woman: No, now I have to...

Man: Ten minutes. Come on.

Woman (pause): Well, okay.

Man: Good. Doesn't that feel better?

Woman: It doesn't matter how I feel now. Only how I feel after I take my test.

Man: You're too fixated on the future. Just imagine all that the present has to offer. Just think of all the things you're missing when you're looking over there instead of (POINTING TO SELF) looking over here.

Woman (pause): I'm not missing much.

Man: Ouch.

Woman: Too easy.

Man: Had to be said.

Woman: Sorry.

Man: So how is stats coming along.

Woman: It's barely coming at all.

Man: No?

Woman: I just hope I don't fail the test tomorrow.

Man: Are you going to fail the test tomorrow?

Woman: Yes -- no. No, I don't think so.

Man: Then why are you worried?

Woman: I'm not -- well, I am. But I'm not -- not that worried.

Man: Well good.

Woman: I just don't want to disappear.

Man: You won't disappear.

Woman: Be one of those people in my class who fail one of the midterms, and then are never heard from again, disappear from the class, drop off the face of the earth, the chairs they used to sit in now empty, stamped by their own inadequacy, signed by the passing murmurs of those barely scraping by.

Man: You won't disappear.

Woman: I want to do the murmuring. Not the disappearing. I want to be here to murmur.

Man: You won't disappear.

Woman: How do you know that?

Man: Because I'm here.

Woman: So?

Man: You won't disappear from me.

Woman (pause): I'm afraid I have a slightly different definition for...

Man: So what are you up to, now that you're done studying?

Woman: What? I'm not done studying.

Man: You just told me you're not worried.

Woman: Yeah, if I keep on studying...

Man (overlapping): So I'm thinking, a movie.

Woman: What?

Man: Let's go catch a movie.

Woman: I -- no, no I can't. I have to study. I'm already taking a break!

Man: Take a longer break.

Woman: No. No, no, no. I have to study. Now. And the break's over.

Man: Fine.

(THEY RESUME STUDYING FOR A WHILE)

Woman (carefully): So, what movie?

(THEY FREEZE)

Announcer's Voice: And so they went off to watch a movie, in direct opposition to the gentle yet stern teachings of the Bookers. On the way to the theater, they ran five red lights and bought alcohol for fourteen-year-olds. They snuck into the movie theater without paying for tickets, but the man was caught and thrown in jail, where he was gang-raped by six large men. The woman took the test the following day, failed, and disappeared off the face of the earth. Her classmates murmur to this day, referring to her as She Who Disobeyed the Bookers. Yet it needs not be like this, according to various clauses from "The Wise Pages of the Bookers", Chapter 3, Section 6. First, the early disengagement. Rewind, correct.

(THEY UNFREEZE)

Man: Hi there.

Woman (not paying attention): Hey.

Man: Would you mind if I sit with you?

Woman: Are they out of tables again?

Man: No -- yes. Yes.

Woman: Well, okay.

Man: Hey, so...

Woman: Mmm?

Man: What are you studying?

Woman: Stats. You?

Man: English. You look a little tired.

Woman: Why, not at all! I feel knowledge running through my veins, its gentle rhythms bringing me closer and closer to ecstasy itself, its harmony filling my very being with beauty and truth.

Man: You are absolutely right! I now see the errors of my comment and hang my head in shame in front of the glorious Bookers!

Woman: Bookers fill us!

Man: Bookers light us!

Woman: Praise be the Bookers!

Man and Woman (together): PRAISE BE THE BOOKERS!

(THEY FREEZE)

Announcer's Voice: Praise be the Bookers indeed! Their hands fill us with knowledge, their will lights us with joy. Their gentle hearts guide us to the Proper Path, their kind souls forgive our procrastination. They...

(THE ANNOUNCER IS SUDDENLY SILENT. LIGHTS DIM SLIGHTLY. MAN AND WOMAN UNFREEZE.)

Man: I walked into the cafe, and the first person I saw was you. There's something about you, something around you. I couldn't look away. It was impossible to look away. There were other seats around, but I had to sit with you.

Woman: I noticed you the moment you walked into this place, introduced by the metal bells swung lightly around the door knob. You looked at me, and looked away, and looked at me again. There were other seats around, but I wished you would sit with me.

Man: I approached you, trembling, a little. Would you mind if I sit with you?

Woman: I sounded reasonable. I had to sound reasonable. Is it because they're out of tables?

Man: Of course it is. Why else -- why else would I want to sit next to you, to you, to you?

(THEY FREEZE. LIGHTS ON FULL. THE ANNOUNCER CONTINUES)

Announcer's Voice: They protect us from earth's sorrows, they shield us from devil's ignorance. Praise be the Bookers!

Man and Woman (without moving): Praise be the Bookers!

Announcer's Voice: Chapter 3, Section 7. Harsh words cross points. Rewind, correct.

(THEY UNFREEZE)

Man: Take time. You never have time unless you reach out and take it.

Woman: I'm all out of time.

Man: Take my time! I'll give you some time.

Woman: That doesn't help; it takes my time to use your time.

Man: Well, that's the best I can do.

Woman: That's not good enough.

Man: What would be good enough?

Woman: Not taking a break.

Man: But I'm already on break.

Woman: I'm not on break.

Man: You've been on break all this time.

Woman: Because you've been wasting my time.

Man: So you might as well take a proper break.

Woman: No, now I have to...

Man: Ten minutes. Come on.

Woman: Look, just because you don't mind failing your midterms and dropping out of college and ending up sleeping in a dirty ditch where you'll lose one arm to gangrene until one day when a wild dog decides you smell like bacon and starts chewing your leg off and you try to fight it off except you can't because you only have one arm and all you could do with your arm is to pet it encouragingly as it bites into your leg like a breakfast burrito with too much beans and too much sauce and so you try to cry for help except all the words coming out of your mouth make no sense because you did not study for your English midterm -- just because of that -- doesn't mean I don't either.

Man: You're absolutely right! Such a quoting of "The Wise Pages of the Bookers"! Such beautiful prose! Such true words! I had indeed gone astray!

Woman: Then worry not, astray-goer! For the Bookers will lead you back into the light!

Man: Bookers save us!

Woman: Bookers guide us!

Man: Praise be the Bookers!

Man and Woman (together): PRAISE BE THE BOOKERS!

(THEY FREEZE)

Announcer's Voice: Praise be the Bookers, indeed! They show us our naked ignorant selves and transform us into shining beings. They make us stronger. They make us wiser. They...

(ANNOUNCER IS SUDDENLY SILENT AGAIN. LIGHTS DIM. THEY UNFREEZE)

Woman: How I longed to keep talking to you.

Man: What is there to talk about?

Woman: But it doesn't matter. How I longed to keep talking to you.

Man: I finally got you to talk to me.

Woman: But how I longed to keep talking!

Man: Take time. You never have time unless you reach out and take it.

Woman: I would -- I want to -- but I'm all out of time.

Man: Take my time! Take anything. Take everything.

Woman: That doesn't help.

Man: That's the best I can do.

Woman: It does help. A little.

Man: Good, because that's the best I can do.

Woman: The best you can is good enough.


(THEY FREEZE AGAIN; LIGHTS ON FULL)

Announcer's Voice: Let their brilliant light show us the path to eternal glory! Let their ringing truth bridge us to everlasting peace! Bask in their magnificent manificence! Praise be the Bookers!

Man and Woman: Praise be the Bookers!

Announcer's Voice: Again, from Chapter 3, Section 8. The incessant rejection. Repeat, correct.

(THEY UNFREEZE)

Man: So what are you up to, now that you're done studying?

Woman: What? I'm not done studying.

Man: You just told me you're not worried.

Woman: Yeah, if I keep on studying...

Man (overlapping): So I'm thinking, a movie.

Woman: What?

Man: Let's go catch a movie.

Woman: No.

Man: A show?

Woman: No.

Man: Let's go sing karaoke.

Woman: No.

Man: Dinner?

Woman: No.

Man: Let's go smoke out.

Woman: No.

Man: Have you tried shooting heroine?

Woman: No.

Man: So I hear there's an orgy going on tonight...

Woman: No.

Man: You wanna set the school on fire?

Woman: No.

Man: A few friends of mine, we're going to sneak into a hospital, steal some babies and skull-fuck them. Wanna come?

Woman: No.

Man: Let's go register to be Republicans.

Woman: Fuck you.

(THEY FREEZE)

Announcer's Voice: Excellent! Well done, all around. The incessant rejection of all things that do not flow naturally from the Bookers' tongue is the essential protection against decadence and failure. There are three kinds of incessance and three kinds of rejection...

(LIGHTS DIM)

Man: But I'll go anywhere with you.

Woman: I'll do anything with you.

Man: What about a movie?

Woman: But I need to study.

Man: Do you need to study?

Woman: I don't want to disappear.

Man: You're not going to disappear.

Woman: How do you know that?

Announcer's Voice (in the background): BOOKERS FILL US!

Man: Because I'm here.

Woman: So?

Man: So I'm here.

Woman: So?

Man: So I'm here.

Woman: That's good.

Man: It's the best I can do.

Woman: That's good enough.

Announcer's Voice (in the background): BOOKERS LIGHT US!

Man: Or we can stay here and study.

Woman: I'll go anywhere.

Man: I'll do anything.

Woman: What does the present have to offer?

Man: You're not missing much.

Announcer's Voice (in the background): BOOKERS SAVE US!

Woman: I don't know what I'm missing.

Man: You won't know until you miss it.

Woman: There's too many things to miss.

Man: Too little time to miss them all.

Woman: I don't have enough time.

Man: You can have mine. You can have me.

Announcer's Voice (in the background): BOOKERS GUIDE US!

Woman: Is that the best you can do?

Man: It'll have to be good enough.

Woman (pause): It's good enough.

(LIGHTS FADE)

Missed Connections

because I have nothing better to do, I wrote this:

(BUS STATION. A MAN AND A WOMAN, WAITING. THEY ALTERNATE BETWEEN NERVOUS GLANCES AT THE GROUND AND AT EACH OTHER.)

Man (finally with some nerve): Hey.

Woman (relieved): Hello.

Man: Slow bus.

Woman: Slow.

Man: Slow in coming.

Woman: Yeah.

Man: Not necessarily slow.

Woman: I know.

Man: Because, you know. It's only slow in coming, because it's not coming, or hasn't been coming, or rather, it's going to come, but it hasn't because it's slow, but not because it's physically slow because who knows how physically slow it is, but it's just slow relative to when it's supposed to be... coming.

Woman (already regretting this): Yeah okay.

Man (realizes his mistake): But, you know, not that it matters.

Woman: It doesn't matter.

Man: No, it really doesn't matter.

Woman: What you said.

Man: Yeah.

Woman: I meant, what you meant doesn't matter.

Man: I know.

Woman: Because, you know, it really doesn't matter what you meant when you said that the bus is slow, but it does matter that the bus is indeed slow, or slow in coming, or whichever, because we are standing here waiting for the slow, slow-in-coming bus, and that matters, not what you said.

Man (also regretting this): Uh, yeah.

Woman (realizes her mistake): Oh, sorry.

Man: What for?

Woman: Oh, nothing.

Man: I'm sorry too. Also for nothing.

Woman: Then you shouldn't need to be sorry.

Man: I just like the feeling.

Woman: Of being sorry?

Man: Of standing here. Next to you.

Woman (pause): Excuse me?

Man: I'm sorry.

Woman: What for?

Man: Oh, nothing.

Woman: I'm sorry too.

(LONG PAUSE.)

Man: So where are you going?

Woman: On the bus.

Man: Where on the bus?

Woman: Probably the back.

Man: I mean where, umm, where do you get off?

Woman: Probably the front.

Man: Me too.

Woman: It's the best way.

Man: Sometimes, it's the only way.

Woman: Not often though.

Man: Not ever, really.

Woman: Not really.

Man: Are you hungry?

Woman: Not really.

Man: Me neither.

Woman: But I love you.

Man: Then why did you leave me?

Woman (suddenly hysterical): I didn't mean to! I was going to find you! I was going to meet you exactly where we were supposed to meet! But I couldn't! I couldn't get there on time! The bus -- the bus was slow. It was slow in coming, and when I finally got on the back and got off the front, you were gone, you were gone, no where to be seen. The air was filled with your cruelty. Or mine. I couldn't tell, but you were gone. But I loved you.

Man: I wish my girlfriend didn't leave me.

Woman (normal): Your girlfriend left you?

Man: She will.

Woman: Is it a surprise?

Man: Not much of one.

Woman: What happened?

Man: Missed connections.

Woman: Isn't it always.

Man: It is.

Woman: Shit. The bus is really late. I'm going to be really late.

Man: Where are you going?

Woman: Down the line. I'm meeting my boyfriend.

Man: Really.

Woman: Or, I was supposed to. About thirty minutes ago. But the bus -- it -- I need it. I need to get on the bus to find him.

Man: It's coming.

Woman: It's going to be too late.

Man: It's coming.

Woman: It's going to be too late!

Man: It's coming!

(THE BUS COMES)

Woman (jumping onto the bus): Thank GOD! Aren't you getting on?

Man: No. I'm waiting for someone, actually.

Woman: Who is it?

Man: My girlfriend. She was supposed to get here thirty minutes ago.

Woman: Well, the bus is running late.

Man: Yeah I guess so. I hope she's coming.

Woman: Are there reasons she wouldn't?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Well, good luck. I hope she comes.

Man: She won't. I hope you find your boyfriend in time.

Woman: I won't.

Man: Well, blame it on the bus.

Woman: Fucking bus.

Man: Missed connections.

Woman: Isn't it always.

Man: It is this time.

(THE BUS DOOR SHUTS. LIGHTS DIM.)

why existential?

Okay, so yes, I've been naming everything "The Existential * of Overwhelming Beauty". Why? Well, I was supposed to write a candidate essay for Tau Beta Pi on the officers I've interviewed. Instead, I turned in the following:

THE EXISTENTIAL COMEDY OF OVERWHELMING BEAUTY

(Bare stage with three chairs facing the audience. BRIAN, JENNIFER and ISAAC come on stage, and sit on the chairs. Stillness. THEY exchange looks. More stillness.)

BRIAN: So.

JENNIFER: So?

ISAAC: So what?

BRIAN: What?

JENNIFER: You said “so”.

BRIAN: So?

ISAAC: So what?

BRIAN: Exactly.

ISAAC: No, that’s what I’m asking you.

BRIAN: Me?

ISAAC: Who else? Who else said “so”?

BRIAN: Everyone said “so”!

JENNIFER: But that doesn’t mean you have to do it.

BRIAN: What?

JENNIFER: If everyone runs around naked, would you?

BRIAN: What?

ISAAC: She’s got a point there.

BRIAN: (After a pause,) I wish I were naked.

JENNIFER: We all wish that. But... But we can’t be. They’re... They’re...

ISAAC: (Frightened,) They’re watching, you know. They’re all watching.

BRIAN: I’ve slowly come to the realization of that. Do you ever wonder? Do you ever wonder -- wonder why, why these people, they come and they... They watch us? Does it give them some satisfaction? Why do they come and watch? Like we’re... Like we’re some kind of... Like it’s some kind of...

JENNIFER: A freak show?

BRIAN: No.

ISAAC: A freak show?

BRIAN: Exactly!

ISAAC: (Proudly, his speech:) I know exactly what you mean. I mean, what, what are we all doing here? On this bare stage, on these three chairs, when reruns of Xena is on? What are we here for? What are we looking for? A little spark in one end of time, and here we are, forever striving for the other end, running, praying, getting lost, being found, hiding in corners, laughing, crying, walking through the misty blue, rolling through acacacademy, waiting, waiting, waiting. What are we waiting for? Whom are we waiting for? Whom -- who -- whom are we waiting for?

JENNIFER: (With a groan,) Let’s not turn this into Waiting For Godot, okay?

BRIAN: It’s way too early in the day. I’m not even drunk yet.

JENNIFER: Really?

BRIAN: Of course.

ISAAC: Hmm. I wouldn’t be able to tell.

JENNIFER: When will you get drunk?

BRIAN: In a few minutes.

ISAAC: Hmm.

JENNIFER: Sounds like a good time.

(Long pause between the three. THEY are bored and have nothing to say.)

ISAAC: (Suddenly,) I was a fat baby, you know. I won the fat baby contest. You wouldn’t be able to tell because I’m not fat anymore, and because of my lack of fatness, you wouldn’t be able to deduce that I was fat as a baby, and so you probably would’ve never guessed that I won a fat baby contest. (Pause.) But I did.

JENNIFER: Oh I get it. Now we’re supposed to talk about what’s interesting about ourselves.

ISAAC: (Puzzled,) I think so. Why else would he interview us?

JENNIFER: Ah, well then! I have a great story to tell. When I was three...

BRIAN: (Drunkenly interrupting,) None of you knows what yous be talking about you foolish foolish fools you you don’t know where it ends and where you begins and so you are walking around looking for loopholes in logic and reasoning and the fabric the fabric the soft sweet fabric of the universe and you are digging and digging into the loopholes deeper and deeper and you don’t remember which end you came in and it’s just a hole and you’re in there not remember where you came in and where you go out and so you stay there and you cook and you clean your room and do your homework and sleep at designated hours but you’re really just hoping that someone somewhere at some time will come and come and take you and take you to the door show you to the hole and take you out to the absolute breathtaking beauty outside the serene unbearable beauty the divine intercepting beauty... Of my mother.

JENNIFER: (Pause,) He’s right, you know. I’ve met his mother.

ISAAC: Is it that time already? Is he drunk?

JENNIFER: I don’t think so. This is normal.

ISAAC: We should stay away.

JENNIFER: Don’t say that. He might hear. They’ll all hear. They have all heard.

ISAAC: What if they hear? What if they hear?

JENNIFER: I... They’ll... They. Might. Know.

ISAAC: Mmm.

(THEY take another long pause.)

JENNIFER: (Suddenly,) I wonder why no one interviews me?

(ISSAC looks at her, and laughs. BRIAN punches ISSAC. BLACKOUT.)