patrons

wrote this silliness in an hour on the flight to Taiwan... In the manner of Socrates (maybe) etc. Yuck.

Man: Look at this glass of water. Are you looking at this glass of water?

Woman: Yes, yes. It's a glass of water.

Man: Precisely. Now imagine, for a bit. Just for a while, stay with me here.

Woman: I'm with you.

Man: Pay attention now.

Woman: I'm paying attention!

Man: Imagine that everything, everything is contained in this cup of water. This house. That tree. Three branches of our government. Mount Everest. The sun. The moon. You, me. The universe. Everything.

Woman: Everything.

Man: What did I say?

Woman: Everything.

Man: That's right, everything.

Woman: In that glass of water.

Man: That's right. So then, suppose I turn this glass of water upside down. What do you suppose will happen?

Woman: The water will pour onto the kitchen floor.

Man: Will it? But...

Woman: Don't do it!

Man: I won't do it.

Woman: I just cleaned the kitchen floor.

Man: It's just water, what do you care.

Woman: Don't do it.

Man: I won't do it.

Woman: I'm warning you.

Man: I said I won't do it.

Woman: Okay then.

Man: Well, as we were, suppose I pour this water onto the kitchen floor.

Woman: Don't do it!

Man: I won't do it!

Woman: You always say you won't, but you do, you will.

Man: No I don't. I won't!

Woman: It's hard to believe you. You have a... a history.

Man: We all have history.

Woman: But it's yours I'm talking about.

Man: What's so special about my history?

Woman: You have one... Not a particularly good one. A history of going back on your words, of not doing what you promised.

Man: Please list your examples clearly and succinctly.

Woman: Last night you said you'd be back at 10, but you weren't back till midnight.

Man: I couldn't.

Woman: You said you would.

Man: But I couldn't.

Woman: Then why did you say you would?

Man: When I said I would I didn't know I couldn't.

Woman: Then why say it if you didn't know if you wouldn't know you couldn't?

Man: Uh, what?

Woman: I'm just saying, don't lie to me. Don't say anything you don't know is true.

Man: Okay okay. I won't promise anything anymore.

Woman: Nothing?

Man: Not anything. I promise.

Woman: [content] Okay.

Man: Great! Now where were we?

Woman: You were promising not to pour the water onto the kitchen floor.

Man: Ah yes, and I won't. Why would I, in any case?

Woman: Who knows why you do anything. Sometimes you really puzzle me.

Man: Well there are many reasons why I would, in fact. It's fun. It's fun to see water flow, to see it crash against the hardwood floor, to see it splash. It's dramatic. It'd make quite a show, quite a show! Much more of a show than what we have now.

Woman: But you won't do it.

Man: [signaling audience] I'm sure these good folks would appreciate a good show.

Woman: But you won't give it to them.

Man: Indeed I won't.

Woman: Because you promised.

Man: That's right, I promised.

Woman: Well, good.

Man: Funny thing, this glass of water.

Woman: Why's that?

Man: So oblivious to its own fate. Does it have any idea that it is being suspended five feet off the ground, by me and my will alone, and that with a flick of my wrist it could lose everything it had?

Woman: It doesn't have anything. It's water.

Man: Yes, yes I know it's water. But suppose it's something else. Suppose it's not just water, that it's everything. Your dog, my cat, everything in the universe. Then what?

Woman: Then the universe shatters into a million pieces as it hits our kitchen floor.

Man: Yes, well, but... But there is no kitchen floor. The kitchen floor is in the water too.

Woman: Ah, ah, I see. And the glass container as well?

Man: The glass container holding the water is also part of the universe, and as such, is in the water.

Woman: Then as it falls... but gravity, and earth, all are in the water already.

Man: That's right.

Woman: As are you, the person flipping the glass.

Man: Correct.

Woman: Then who will flip the glass?

Man: Ah, ah. Do you see?

Woman: No.

Man: It doesn't really make sense, does it?

Woman: Not really.

Man: The problem setup really defeats itself.

Woman: Yeah... So... What's your point?

Man: No point, no point. It just makes for a good show. [pours glass of water onto the floor. Blackout.]