The Secret To My Happiness

Sometimes, people ask me, "Didn't you get my restraining order against you?" Other times, they ask, "Why are you always so happy, your blogs so free of cynicism?"

Am I showered with riches, goodwill and women? Is Canada a country? Of course not. But I have my methods; and because I'm so giving, I'm going to share my secrets with you unfortunate, pessimistic souls. Here's my simple, fool-proof, five-step program to waking up with a smile on your face every morning.

Step 1: When you wake up in the morning, think to yourself, "I am at ease. My toes are in harmony. I feel the rhythm of life. That loud noise is not a bulldozer tearing down my house." Then, run out the door and stop the bulldozer before your house collapses on you. Repeat for two weeks.

Step 2: When you wake up, think to yourself, "I am one with myself. I am at peace. My breathing is calm and my heart still. These are really cute termites." Then, get out of the house before it collapses, and borrow your neighbor's phone to call the exterminator. Your neighbor will ask for a convenience fee; this will either be ten dollars, your stamp collection or that mole on your face. Pay it; it's worth it. Repeat for two weeks.

Step 3: When you wake up, say to yourself, "I am at a beautiful place. I am surrounded by beautiful things. I am comforted by a warm breeze. I can see brilliant lights shining before me." Then, reach for the phone and call the fire department. Oh yeah, and get out of the house before it collapses. Repeat for two weeks.

Step 4: When you wake up in the morning, if you are still not smiling at this point, then massage your face gently. If that fails, lightly tap your face to loosen your facial muscles. If you still have a frown, start slapping yourself hard, and keep doing so until you start smiling or pass out from pain. Should you succeed, get out of the house before it collapses. This should be common sense by now. Repeat until you wake up smiling.

Step 5: At this point, you should already be properly conditioned to smile every morning. You should also be living in a cardboard box, whose collapse will only cause a small annoyance and not certain death. Congratulations! You are on your way to being a fitter, healthier, and happier being.

Do not doubt me; my program is proven to work. Thousands of people, after following this program to the letter, have gone from hating their lives to hating me. Try it, and next time you see me, don't forget to thank me with a smile!

so once and for all...

Sometimes, people ask me, "What are you doing naked on my lawn?". Other times, they also ask, "Why don't you have a girlfriend?". The two questions are not related.

Those who ask the latter question often helpfully offer some explanations for my bachelor status. These explanations are usually of these two kinds:

1. I'm gay.
2. I'm a homosexual.

Well, I'm happy to report that, indeed, I am not gay nor a homosexual, thanks to Billy's Shock Therapy Booth. From now on, please come up with fresher, more intelligent explanations, like "I'm too busy", "No girl will ever measure up to my mother", or "Girls have cooties". Thank you.

of God and churches

Believe it or not, God existed before Christianity was invented as a get-rich-quick scheme. Apparently, church goers are expected to donate some ten percent of their income along with their first born sons (daughters they're free to keep, though most do not). This can be a rather lucrative venture, especially since many Christians are blessed with the ability to turn trash into cash (like the talent hunt responsible for Britney Spears).

I've heard some people talk about setting up a church, hiring a minister and simply living off the donation, of which, I'm assured, there will be plenty. But just think: what would God think of them? And more important, will they provide free parking on weekdays? I asked God these difficult questions, and He told me to bet on black 29.

Shakage

Next time you shake your shoulders at me, please at least put on some clothes.